RBNY Optimist: Roy Miller Explains It All

Staff Writer, RBNY

rbnyoptimistSo, here we are. Only two games into the season, and we already find ourselves knee deep into our first full blown “That’s So Metro” controversy.

And who’s at the center of the storm? Why, none other than the one player that Red Bull Fans love to hate … Roy Miller.

There’s only so much Optimism anyone can project upon the performance turned in by Mr. Miller last Sunday night. It got to the point where your humble writer could not even muster a “don’t worry about it” tweet at the final whistle.

And you KNOW if The Optimist is rendered tweetless, there’s something major going on.

This particular player put together 10 minutes of soccer that included multiple defensive lapses, followed by a swinging arm leap to knock down the ball in the box (degree of difficulty = 3.2), followed by a seemingly inexplicable run into the box in hope that the PK taker would back-heel the ball to him so he could score.

Oh yes, backheels.

The moment that gave me the most joy this week, however, was when Mr. Miller chose to explain his actions. And explain he did:

“I did it so that if he made it, he would have to do it again and then he missed. I had the unfortunate luck that Luis (Robles) saved the initial attempt.”

Let’s put aside the fact that he believed that a Robles save would be “unfortunate luck” and acknowledge that Mr. Miller was effectively trying to “ice” the kicker, NFL-style. Interestingly enough, the rules of soccer do not even allow this to happen, since a re-kick is only called if the kicker does not score.

To The Optimist, the actual actions of Mr. Miller did not even hold a candle to the sheer wonderfulness of his explanation.

So, in that spirit, I humbly present “How Roy Miller Would Explain Some of the Worst Performances in Sports History.”

    Greg Norman in the 1996 Masters: Norman led the Masters by 6 strokes going into the final round. In a span of six holes on the back nine he gave up that lead and wound up losing six strokes and wound up losing by five – an 11 stroke swing.

    Roy Miller’s explanation:
    “I was told I was leading by a lot, but around the 9th hole, I got confused and thought I was bowling instead of golfing. Therefore, for the last 9 holes…I mean FRAMES…I was trying to get the highest score possible. I meant it all along, but it just didn’t work out for me.”
    John Starks in the 1994 NBA Finals: Starks, a standout that year for the Knicks, was already known as a streaky shooter. Unfortunately, during Game 7 he found himself on the wrong side of a streak. He went 2 for 10 from the floor for the game, and in “crunch time” of the 4th Quarter? 0 for 10.

    Roy Miller’s explanation: “I felt bad that the other team was having such unfortunate luck. I thought that if I missed enough shots, they would start to like me and let me score enough at the end to win the game. It just didn’t come together that way.”

    Bill Buckner in the 1986 World Series: This one needs very little explanation, as Bucker let Mookie Wilson’s squibbler roll right through his legs and turned the final out of a World Series win into a rally-lengthening hit that led to the Mets winning Game 6 and Game 7 on the way to their last World Series win.

    Roy Miller’s explanation:
    “I was trying to do the most amazing backheel, ever. If it worked, I would have turned and backheeled the ball into my glove, while simultaneously stepping on first base. Unfortunately, I was unlucky that it didn’t work out that way.”

The season is still young, Red Bull fans. We haven’t even played our first home match yet for Pete’s Sake! Hang in there folks, I’m sure things will start looking up. And if not, Roy Miller will be available to explain it all to us.

  • And here’s this week’s journey into the whimsical thoughts of a soccer ball-headed #RBNY fan: http://t.co/0sQ1x4uCKH #Optimism2013

  • I give this bit another month before it goes belly up.

  • Dave from Dix Hills

    RBNY Optimist getting at Miller? Ya things are BAD. And agree with Wes there will be nothig to be optimistic about soon enough.